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Certified Fresh

by Spare Jingles

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1.
It pokes its head above the ground, it’s ghoulish and pale Its long greasy hair leaves a poisonous trail A mating dance; a vile show of tongue and tail, agitated and in heat and disappointingly male And now, prolonging its life isn’t so far-flung Catching sight of a rope ladder, dirty and young, with its claws fastened tight, ascending rung by rung, poor vision and a lead tongue. I don’t know how to tell you, but you’re gonna be subjected to a crime of a guy There’s no one in this timezone dumber than I Any level-headed freak would never have it this way There’s nothing you can do but you could always try your best to stay away (hey!) Tentacles spread like a plague across the state, closing in on the shiny skin of unsuspecting bait Four stomachs that virgin flesh could never sate, or men of undeserved power or women full of hate And you!— you get a stinger straight through the head Onlookers gasp as the ground turns red Cope with your new sense of dread of a beast with no eyes and a tongue made of lead. Hate to say it, but you’re gonna have to deal with a sin of a man There’s no one out there who dares to do what I can Only the demiurge would see this through I implore that you kneel down and pray to it that I don’t get to you… (I’m gonna have to do this shit again!) It’s been long since it far retreated back into its hole It’s been long since it relinquished any form of control Brainless and blind as a star-nosed mole, with a failing heart and lacking in a soul And everything it ever did has been for the worse, the most destructive barely-living thing in all the universe Infecting the lands with a blight of a curse, completely stripped of its power to coerce. Condolences that you’ve been permanently altered by a shell of a husk that never leaves his cell from daylight to dusk It doesn’t matter if you witnessed the beginning or end, just wanna say more than anything that it’ll never happen again...
2.
Big Gouda 04:32
Oh my my The dairy farm is looking so dry No cheese near or far The ground is withered and scarred I’ve got to find the nearest town To help me settle or I’ll drown Up to the dairy store So I can find some cheese to restore But what I find is beyond prophetic She has it in her grasp and it's making me hectic My heart drops and I fall to my knees It’s so perfect and it’s making me weep She’s got the big gouda x3 And all my edams have wilted away And all my wensleydale has gone down the drain But she’s moved on to capitalize The dairy industry with her tycoon mind Oh my my I asked her why her cheese did not die She laughed at me with sass Her aquifer was filled to the max The one I had back home Dried up about a month ago I came to realize Her dairy farm industrialized All I can say is well wishes to her She’s got an opportunity to prove to the world That farmers like me don’t belong on this Earth There’s no point in staying when you’ve got no worth She’s got the big gouda x6
3.
Elf Hel 04:17
It was the summer of Elf Hel The people built a mighty tower Just to see it all fall to pieces in its finest hour Children, they were laughing Time was flying with the wind With no idea it was passing Dying as it lived It was the summer of Elf Hel An independent film that was not yet on this plane dug its claws into our minds; it was begging to be made. It was bursting with ideas, some in conflict with themselves, and all of them intelligent — but none involving elves. Are you finished, are you done? We’ve got to make this date No time to sit around, so hurry up and wait Put a smile on your face — it’s all becoming unfurled, This is just a reflection of a glimpse of the real world. Slaving for a Friday that was drawing ever near, for showing off a perfect film to represent a perfect year. Doing more than enough for it to merit ᴜᴘᴘᴇʀ ᴄᴀꜱᴇ, piecing everything together, it was falling into place. But we were lying to ourselves that everything was going fine, as we couldn’t see the end of our superb assembly line, but we believed in the words of the one on high, convincing each other that we could fit through a needle’s eye. It was the summer of Elf Hel The people built a mighty tower Just to see it all fall to pieces in its finest hour Children, they were laughing Time was flying with the wind With no idea it was passing Dying as it lived It was the summer of Elf Hel You can stay here for as long as you need You can sleep for days on end or fly with blinding speed And we all filed in, and the lights were coming down, and hundreds held their breath, and we were ready for renown, and we were unaware of a superlatively small amount of factors unforeseeable we couldn’t take into account. Cue the title card, accompanied by high-falutin’ sound, and it hit us all at once that for a year we saw the bounds of the projector strip away a single glyph on either side, causing us to watch in horror as our grand old daydream died.
4.
Waiting 04:26
Waiting until I retire Waiting for things to transpire A dust storm, an earthquake, or fire Stewing and failing to see I want what was given to me I want it forever and free Waiting for time without end Closing my eyes to pretend A world that I can transcend
5.
Come, my love, it’s time to see the sun The beauty in the air must weigh a ton The sky today is a different shade of blue The light reflects the rocks beneath our shoes All the dust beneath our feet have flown As they fly into the great unknown The light is shining on the empty riverbeds Can’t you see the majesty of the planet Sit with me on top of Olympus Mons We can see a Martian sunrise dawn Sit with me on top of Olympus Mons We can see a Martian sunrise dawn Come, my love, it’s time to see the sun The beauty in the air must weigh a ton The sky today is a different shade of blue The light reflects the rocks beneath our shoes Sit with me on top of Olympus Mons We can see a Martian sunrise dawn Sit with me on top of Olympus Mons We can see a Martian sunrise dawn
6.
Follow my lead Take from these trees Keep it close to me Keep it where no one will see Do as I say It's the only way There'll come a day we'll sell the stack But for now hold it back I'll never throw away the apples in the attic 'cause you can't get me to care To see a moral through or the thematic clouds moving over the air I'll never have anything to say as I keep on looking back I'm glad to let the apples in the attic just rot away From red to brown to black
7.
Something weird happened just the other day I was on my way to the library I don’t know why I had to be there But nothing prepared me for the greatest scare The windows painted out the sunny sky And me and two guys were stuck with a surprise I know I’m paranoid I just don’t know where to be Staring into its face, it stands still so perfectly Am I the only one who sees something in front of me I’d like to leave this place but some force is keeping me in my seat The other guys start planning their escape They run up and down the stairs and find no way Its pale red eyes start staring straight at me It grins at my hopelessness so chillingly The tears are running down my cheeks It feels like I’ve been here for weeks Hopelessly screaming but it just leads to no avail The world is crumbling, I just want to leave this hell Why can’t the other guys just stop and help me out But they’d just abandon me for that I have no doubt The two other guys return with panicked eyes They say to each other that they need supplies They want to dig their way right out of here But they will leave me here stuck in my chair But all a sudden thunder cracks the roof The demon starts laughing with a sonic boom It questions our presence with a thundering battle cry The three of us cower up while everything goes awry The orchestra in my ears starts playing violently I guess this means my end, to put it blatantly I force myself to escape to sounds of my own screams I never told anyone, this isn’t some comedy They’ll tell me it's just a dream that has no real meaning But to this day, I still avoid the library
8.
I want Pussy Riot playing at my church Playing at my church Playing at my church I want Pussy Riot playing at my church Playing at my church Playing at my church I’m gonna ride them all the way I’m gonna ride them to the stage I’m gonna set up all their gear, and there’s nothing left to fear They’ll kick all our asses while they melt the bones of masses Go! You think you’ve got it down, boy I think you're fronting These cold vein punksters will bring you down on your knees And when they come here, will you get in their way? There won’t be any more room to escape I feel the ground shake When those rock goddesses blast up to the stage I feel the earth shake When they come on up to the stage And blow me many worlds away I want Pussy Riot playing at my church Playing at my church Playing at my church I want Pussy Riot playing at my church Playing at my church Playing at my church I’m gonna ride them all the way I’m gonna ride them to the stage I’m gonna set up all their gear, and there’s nothing left to fear They’ll kick all our asses while they melt the bones of masses Go! You think you’ve got it down, girl I think you're fronting These cold vein punksters will bring you down on your knees And when they come here, will you get in their way? There won’t be any more room to escape I feel the ground shake When those rock goddesses blast up to the stage I feel the earth shake When they come on up to the stage And blow me many worlds away I want Pussy Riot playing at my church Playing at my church Playing at my church I want Pussy Riot playing at my church Playing at my church Playing at my church I’m gonna ride them all the way I’m gonna ride them to the stage I’m gonna ride em... You think you’ve got it down, Ha! I think you're fronting These cold vein punksters will bring you down on your knees And when they come here, will you get in their way? There won’t be any more room to escape I feel the ground shake When those rock goddesses blast up to the stage I feel the earth shake When they come on up to the stage And blow me many worlds away
9.
Hammer Time 04:55
Sawin’ down some wood to make a room You’d think that’d be the peak of my afternoon I put away my drill and head on home But nothing seems right when I’m all alone Guess I’m clocking into another shift My hands are always achin’, sore, and stiff I need to satisfy my growing urge So I can give my life that extra surge Got my hammer and my saw Keepin’ both eyes on the wall Tryin’ to hide what I’m feelin inside Lest I be judged by all Brick by brick, nail by nail Development & scale My quivering eyes and casual lies that the beams’ll never fail I’m sick to death of all the work I do Betterin’ the lives of an elite few Drunk on my unrivaled expertise The cops’ll never guess it was a hick like me Truckin’ on down into the woods Packin’ up some lumber to give the goods Smuggle it in, leave a nail They’ll never catch me, I shall prevail Got my crowbar and my axe And all of us break our backs Hammerin’ away all night, all day Just to fill some dirty sacks Well, how’d you like it if it were you A month of your life for no quality shoe Gettin’ paid in rice to be perfectly precise …… Whoops! Looks like I forgot a screw Well I guess my shift is done Did my job (wink wink) for a measly sum In a week or two, I’ll lay back and turn on the news They’ll say it’s a tragedy and I’ll be amused I’ll walk on by that ruined site Puddles of bodies I’ll look on with delight “I’m done with this world,” I’ll say with a scoff It’s time to retire, it’s time to fuck off Don’t know where I’m gonna be after shit goes down Probably fishin’ in an Alaskan town Kickin’ along, right where I belong Never to smile nor frown Got my hammer and my saw Wiping my tears, wasting my years For a mansion built to fall
10.
Well I spun a jukebox, tried to get to A5 The machine broke before I could invest my dime It’s such a travesty, a tragedy I might add That I’m spending my Saturday nights held up in this shack Singing this discount boogie that goes something like this All right! I spat on my radiator, tried to get it to start The motor ran over, forgot to put it in park My soul’s full of nails I tell you, it’s a sad fact I got no things brewin, my days are turning real black My discount boogie got no credit this side of town Ain’t it a shame My marbles are dirty, they don’t shine no more I feel so shitty, it ain’t a blues song no more The clouds are raining tar, all over my radio The sounds are jumping around like ants on a stove My discount boogie plays with nobody listening What? Ughhhhhhh My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s too much crap to play for the boogie-woogie’s of my town Hey! Well I spun a jukebox, tried to get to A5 The machine broke before I could invest my dime It’s such a travesty, a tragedy I might add That I’m spending my Saturday nights held up in this shack Singing this discount boogie that goes something like this All right! My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s got no name My discount boogie’s too much crap to play for the boogies and the woogies of my town
11.
Stare into the distance from my home Distance myself from what’s going on The sound of blue abyssal claims my soul But the city symphony drowns it out My feet cling to the docks I take a deep breath for the road Jump into oblivion Strange currents take me away Watch me sink Watch me sink to the bottom x6 When it's all that you can ever see The bottom of the ocean ain't so bad Walk beside the you's that were and be Say goodbye to lives they might have had Don't ask me now Don't ask me now I barely know where I come from
12.
13.
Why should I stray from my warm and cozy home? I don't have to look outside to know my comfort zone is already outright maximized — as big as it can be and all of y'all are buying things that I can get for free And the parasitic beasts of Mars have mind control, I fear That's why I'm coming never near, Living far, far, far, far, far from here
14.
I heard you stopped the show in Wonder Woman 4 A 99% Tomatometer score Performance on a level never seen before There used to be a market wherein which I’d thrive My movies used to have a chance to be top five And now I cope with a career I can’t revive I met Scorsese Here’s what he told me Franchises killed the mid-budget film x2 They’ve left me lying in the pilm Can you recall the summer of 2006 In which I had not one, not two, but three hit flicks I guess each one was just the same old bag of tricks And I’m not asking for a golden statuette Nor superhero riches or a private jet I only want to be a piece you won’t forget I see my old dreams On D*sney Pl*s streams Franchises killed the mid-budget film x2 And now, despite my desperate plea All my fans would rather see The new Jurassic Galaxy Franchises killed the mid-budget film x2 All my friends are super jacked Dehydration’s made them stacked Keeping all the theaters packed How ironic is the fact None of us can really act? (You are a mid-budget hack) x2 Franchises killed the mid-budget film x10
15.
Imaginary trains and melting monkeys’ brains Combusting cars, can’t even make it to the stars I’ve got so many bars Exploding rockets so volcanic I’m bout to go Vesuvius Jimmy Titanic Kiss my gluteus For saying the natives should have tried harder Dubious Imma be your pants’ discarder Kieran Culkin, you need a new barber Lookin' like a Vulcan Hitler Youth without salvation It doesn’t take a sleuth to deduce That your trousers’ elevation ought to be reduced Would it be considered elder abuse For the next three goons to face the truth? Kramer at the moment of his racist drunken rant Van Morrison recording his anti-vax chant Eric Clapton in the middle cause of all of the above And he made I Shot the Sheriff worse, indicative of A misplaced ego; a misled morale I’m gonna send your pants to the Panama Canal Jake Paul 'cause he thinks he’s hot and tough Chris Rock 'cause the slap was not enough Late night hosts Celebrity roasts We see through your loads of bull Method actors Benefactors Of never getting pantsed at all Jared Leto is a goddamn creep The wounds he’s made have now run deep His visual presence sickens me And I want him to please stop acting Playing a trans woman don’t make you special All you did was emaciate yourself Playing the Joker was a damn disgrace It made Joaquin Phoenix win so much acclaim Heroin addicts should be ashamed That Requiem for a Dream has got your name But I think you should have learned your lesson That snorting marinara doesn’t make you Italian Jared Leto, go back to your island Jared Leto, go back to your cult Jared, my man, when you come to our show Hope I obliterate you with this guitar solo Late night hosts Celebrity roasts We see through your loads of bull Method actors Benefactors Of never getting pantsed at all Pantsed at all This is Breese coming to you live from just off the coast of Croatia. Our marine forensics team has located in the water what appears to be a small part of a destroyed pair of brightly colored pants. What's so strange about this is that similarly-colored pieces of fabric are being found all across the world. In fact, we've just received word that a right cuff has turned up in Belize, and two belt loops have mysteriously appeared in Wellington, New Zealand. We believe these tattered pieces were, somehow, all part of the same singular article of clothing, belonging to one... first initial J, last name Leto.
16.
I took my time to get this right To close off this musical ride It gets harder and harder to think When the weight of the world continues to breathe Down my shoulder and out my spine Hoping I will slowly decline But through it all I’ve stayed on my feet So that I am always blooming Take your time and get it right There’ll be an end to this musical ride It might get hard when you have to think When the weight of the world continues to breathe Down your shoulder and out your spine Hoping you will soon decline But through it all, just stay on your feet So that you are always blooming Take your time and get it right There’ll be an end to this musical ride It might get hard when you have to think When the weight of the world continues to breathe Down your shoulder and out your spine Hoping you will soon decline But through it all, just stay on your feet So that you are always blooming Always blooming Always blooming Always blooming Always blooming

credits

released July 23, 2023

Spare Jingles are...

Breese Sherman: vocals, keys, piano, synths, production, hammer, apples

Casey Lenhart: vocals, guitar, bass, drums, percussion, cello, ukulele, synths, production, wink wink, angelic choir


With Chloe Allen

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Spare Jingles Williamsburg, Virginia

Just two dudes making tunes

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